Where My People-Pleasers At??
When People-Pleasing Hurts More Than It Helps
Have you ever found yourself putting up with actual physical pain just to avoid making someone else uncomfortable? Or is it just me?? My guess, it’s definitely NOT just me. Maybe it’s eating something you know your body doesn’t tolerate because you don’t want to speak up at a restaurant (I’ve been there). Or, saying “yes” to a commitment that drains you- just to avoid disappointing someone (I’ve also been there).
This is people-pleasing in action my friend—and while it might look like kindness on the outside, it often comes at a real cost to ourselves. We are making ourselves smaller, to be LESS to those around us. And this, just isn’t okay.
Why We People-Please
People-pleasing usually starts as a survival strategy. For many of us, it was safer growing up to stay agreeable, quiet, or accommodating than to risk conflict, rejection, or being seen as “difficult.” Over time, this becomes automatic—even in situations where our needs deserve to be voiced. Because being “too much”, “overwhelming”, “too needy”, “a nag” and so is much less agreeable. So we hide. We minimize. We ignore. We. Become. Less.
The Cost of Avoidance
Besides having to be less, there is also an irony to all of this. Because what feels like keeping the peace in the moment often causes more harm later:
Physical harm (like ignoring allergies or pain).
Emotional exhaustion (resentment, burnout, or feeling unseen).
Disconnection (when we suppress our true needs, relationships lose authenticity).
Shifting From People-Pleasing to Advocacy
The goal isn’t to swing to the other extreme and bulldoze others—it’s to practice self-advocacy with balance and compassion. Here are a few ways to start:
Notice the trigger. Catch yourself in those “I’ll just put up with it” moments. Awareness is powerful.
Pause before reacting. Give yourself a breath before automatically saying yes.
Use gentle language. Advocating doesn’t mean being harsh—try: “Actually, dairy doesn’t sit well with me. Could I have the oat milk instead?”
Reframe conflict. Speaking up isn’t creating conflict—it’s inviting clarity and respect.
A Work in Progress
As a recovering people pleaser myself, I still notice the old patterns sneak in sometimes. But each time I choose to advocate for myself, I’m building new muscle memory. And it’s worth it—because when we honor our needs, we make space for healthier, more authentic relationships. Healthier, more authentic selves. It’s hard. But you can do it! Just start small.
👉 If people-pleasing has been part of your story, know you’re not alone—and change is possible. Follow along for more reflections and tips on boundaries, advocacy, and breaking free from old patterns.
