How to Hold Space- Not Toxicity
In my work with couples and families, I hear it all the time—phrases meant to comfort, but that end up doing the opposite. “Calm down.” “It’s not that bad.” “Oh well let me tell you about ____ time (and then they go on to say they had it worse).” Even when said with the best intentions, these phrase shut someone down, make them feel dismissed, and usually push them further into isolation. Honestly? It drives me a little crazy. Can we learn how to stop??
I see it often in tension between partners, in parents trying to navigate their children’s emotions, and in families working through conflict. People want to help. They want to fix. They want to reassure—but too often, the impact is the opposite of what we intend. Someone comes to you with real feelings, and instead of holding space for them, we respond with words or actions that invalidate, minimize, or redirect attention to ourselves. Because though being well-intentioned, it backfires- I bet almost every time. Jumping in with advice, comparisons, or reassurances often sends the message: “Your feelings are too much. You shouldn’t feel that way.”
Because TRULY holding space—really holding space—is one of the most powerful but hardest things often times to do. But, gosh- is it so powerful. Because we’re not telling the person that they are a problem to be fixed. We’re not giving advice (unless asked). We aren’t even trying to make them feel better instantly. It’s about being present, curious, and compassionate, even ESPECIALLY when it’s uncomfortable.
Why Holding Space Can Be Hard
So okay. I’ve got you on board, you know it’s good? Right? But why do we do it? Let’s chat about that-
Our instinct is often to solve problems. We want to ease discomfort, reassure, or protect loved ones from pain. This is really the crux of it. It hurts us to see others hurting. Or, it makes us uncomfortable because we feel inadequate, ill-equipped, insufficient, helpless- you name it.
In couples and family dynamics, this happens constantly. One partner vents about a tough day, and the other responds with “Oh, but don’t you remember last (day/week/month/w.e) I had it so bad....” A parent scolds a child for crying with “Stop overreacting.” A sibling dismisses feelings with “It’s not a big deal.” All of these are small moments, but they chip away at trust and emotional safety. So, let’s move on to things to avoid- I’ll make things easy for you.
Words and Phrases That Can Shut Someone Down
Even phrases that feel “natural” can be harmful:
“Calm down.” → Implies their emotions are wrong or too intense.
“It’s not that bad.” → Minimizes their experience and pain.
“I had it worse.” → Shifts focus away from them to you.
“Don’t worry.” → Dismisses anxiety instead of acknowledging it.
“Stop overreacting.” → Suggests their feelings are irrational.
“You’re too sensitive.” → Invalidates natural emotional responses.
“Just get over it.” → Trivializes their struggle and ignores processing time.
“Why are you so upset?” → Can feel accusatory, implying emotions are a choice.
“You shouldn’t feel that way.” → Directly invalidates their internal experience.
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” → Minimizes perspective and experience.
“I was just joking / It’s not a big deal.” → Often gaslights someone’s emotional response.
“You always / never…” → Blanket statements that escalate defensiveness.
“You need to relax / lighten up.” → Shifts responsibility for emotional state onto them.
These phrases are common because they feel “helpful,” but in reality, they communicate the opposite of support.
How to Hold Space Effectively
Listen fully. Give your attention without distractions. Maintain eye contact, nod, and resist the urge to interrupt.
Validate feelings. Say things like “I hear you”, “That sounds really hard”, or “It makes sense you feel that way”. Validation doesn’t mean agreement—it means acknowledgment.
Be comfortable with silence. Sometimes just being present is more powerful than any words.
Ask gentle questions. Examples: “Do you want to talk about it, or just have me sit with you?” or “How can I best support you right now?”
Reflect on your own impulses. Notice when you want to fix, reassure, or compare, and pause. Ask: “Am I trying to help them, or soothe my own discomfort?”
The Bigger Picture
Holding space isn’t about perfection—it’s about intention. Every time we choose to listen without judgment, validate without minimizing, and stay present without distraction, we strengthen trust and connection. In couples and family dynamics, this practice can transform relationships, helping everyone feel safer, more understood, and more connected.
At Think Good With Me, we know that emotional presence is a skill we can all develop. It requires patience, self-awareness, and courage—but the payoff is profound: deeper empathy, healthier communication, and relationships built on real understanding.
Final Thought
Being non-toxic isn’t just about avoiding harm—it’s about actively nurturing care, attention, and respect in every interaction. When we hold space well, we make room for someone to feel seen, heard, and valued. And sometimes, that’s the most powerful thing we can offer.
