Bids for Connection: Why Saying Yes Matters More Than Finishing the To-Do List

Parenting constantly pulls us between doing and being.

The dishes, the emails, the bedtime routines — they all matter. But so do the quiet, unexpected invitations our children make to connect. These moments, often disguised as “Watch this with me?” or “Can you sit with me?”, are bids for connection — and how we respond to them can shape emotional safety and regulation more than any perfectly checked to-do list ever could.

The other day — not morning or night, just somewhere in the middle — my youngest asked if I’d snuggle and watch a movie with him. I had sessions later in the day, notes to write, and a handful of tasks to finish before I headed into the office. It was that familiar in-between part of the day when the to-do list feels endless but the energy is already running low.

My first instinct was to say no. There were things I needed to get done before work. Saying yes didn’t feel practical. But it wasn’t really about the movie. It was a bid for connection.

So I paused. And I said yes.

The Power of the Pause

We spend so much of our lives in motion — doing, achieving, fixing, checking boxes. Parenting can start to feel like one long string of tasks that never quite ends. But when our child reaches out for attention or closeness, those moments are opportunities to pause.

That pause tells their nervous system:

• You matter. 

• I see you. 

• You’re safe here.

And that’s regulation — not just for them, but for us, too.

Understanding Bids for Connection

Children don’t usually say, “I feel disconnected,” or “I need help regulating.”

Instead, they say things like:

• “Watch this with me!”

• “Can you come sit by me?”

• “Look what I built!”

These are bids for connection — small invitations to share presence, warmth, and safety. When we can recognize what’s underneath the ask, our response becomes about connection, not just compliance.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his research on relationships, coined the term “bids for connection.” These are the everyday attempts people make to connect with us—a smile, a comment, a question, or even a quick text. When someone offers a bid, they’re reaching out, seeking acknowledgment, attention, or support.

How we respond to these bids is crucial. Gottman’s research shows that relationships thrive when bids are turned toward, even in small ways, and wither when bids are ignored or dismissed.

When We Say Yes

Saying yes doesn’t mean we abandon structure or ignore our own needs. It means that, when possible, we choose relationship over rigidity. When we meet a child’s connection bid with our attention, we co-regulate. Their nervous system settles — and often, so does ours. That shared moment of calm builds safety and trust. It reminds both of us that connection is not a distraction from life — it is life.

Connection fuels emotional health: Turning toward bids strengthens bonds and builds trust. Relationships that are nurtured in these small moments create a buffer against stress, anxiety, and loneliness.

Small yeses lead to big change: Responding positively to bids doesn’t have to be monumental. A few minutes of genuine attention can cascade into a greater sense of intimacy and mutual support.

Presence matters more than productivity: Our to-do lists are infinite. Our time with loved ones isn’t. Being present—truly present—is a gift that no completed task can replace.

Letting Go of “Perfect”

It’s easy to get lost in productivity culture — even in parenting. We measure our worth by how much we’ve accomplished instead of how much presence we’ve offered. But the truth is, the to-do list will wait. Connection often won’t.

The few minutes you spend saying yes — snuggled on the couch, watching a movie, or listening to a story you’ve already heard — those moments anchor your child’s sense of belonging and your own sense of calm.

A Gentle Reminder

You don’t have to say yes to everything.

Boundaries are healthy.

But when you notice that what your child is really asking for is you — and you have the capacity — that’s a yes worth giving. Sometimes the most meaningful progress you make in a day isn’t checking something off the list, but choosing connection over completion.